Processing Parallels

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I don’t know how to explain how these moments feel
Like every parallel somewhere along the way
Shifted slightly
And I stand now in the place where every one of the intersects
There are days I get high off just the fumes
Of support beneath me
They collide with the days where I itch to put my loneliness in a pipe
Just to watch it burn
These days ‘alone’ is a home I’ve never left
The beauty-till-you-cry melodies
Colliding with the most piercing silence
The kind that makes your head rattle
Anxieties all pushing at hundreds of slightly different angles
The comforting bliss of my own hands upon my body
A blankeded bliss
The way my lips curve into a consuming smile
True love
Colliding with the foreign feeling of being in your own skin
But itching for any ability to leap out
These days I’ve sold my worth over to every man whose put his hands upon me
They carve it into my skin to make sure I’ll never forget it
It is a computation that hopes to condense me
Strip me of everything that exists below my surface
I watch this collide with my heart that wishes for war
Screaming against the branded abuse
And when this abuse does not exist within the man
I am the skilled architect building it from memory within the walls of my own skin
The sweet comfort coos me back to the times of nightly prayers and lullabies
The all consuming love for the temple of bones I reside within
Fleeting moments
But they never feel fleeting
Until they collide with the millions of heavy words I shove down my own throat
Restricting my every move
I will just eat these words tonight
They have consumed my yearn for nourishment
They have taken its place
They’ve convinced me I will be happier this way
These thoughts and patterns have hardened to steel
And sealed me into this cell where I sleep
They collide with the days I learn how to weld them away
And lay instead in a boundless field of sunflowers
These days I trade my patterns for balance
I trade my meals of heavy words
For ones made of love, earth, and sunlight
Those years of sitting in classrooms gifted the library of knowledge now living in my head
I search for the answers to my questions there helplessly
Until these moments collide with simple seconds of clear aligned enlightenment
These seconds, they’ve taught me more than those years
This soul, has taught me more than this library in my head
And my wisdom teaches me more than my knowledge
Oh how often I’ve stood on either parallel
Grasping at the ability to stay
Or trying to figure out how the hell to jump
I wonder how I found myself in this place I was taught does not exist
A place that defies the very laws that make up my body
And the entire universe around me
The library in my head does not want to rest until it finds out why
But my soul tells me it’s just part of this processing
Of knowledge to wisdom

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. When you wrote: “fleeting moments”
    I believe you made your composition more tangible.
    Then you followed with:
    “But they never feel fleeting Until they collide with the millions of heavy words I shove down my own throat”
    This drives the anxiety home.
    I think your writings are deep and moving. You could probably break them up into smaller parts like scenes in a movie.
    Always enjoy reading you.
    Larry

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for reading šŸ™šŸ»

      Like

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